FINALLY!

Met a man. I am Happy :) Once again :) Cant fall for him though. That will be the hard thing. And Im not saying just because I met a man I am happy, its the fact that things are going again, no drama! I love it. No problems, no stress do wat ya want and feel like ur his even though ur not. I feel special :)He told me today, "I can tell that you like me" I asked "how?" him: " by the way you look at me." And that was the end of that. Oh gosh wat to do. lol I love my life!!!!!! And I have pissed off so many people but my best friend is super happy and I am happy. And Justin (my ex) will be happy again too. It will just take him time. He loves me, I love him. But me and him can't go on anymore. And Im ok with that.

Beginning Again

So last night I decided to write a letter to my ex, and it stated that I still loved him and that he was right I was living in the past and that soon I will stop talking to him unless he wants to talk to me and he will be getting a package in the mail with all of the things that are his. I dont want to return them but yet they are not my items to keep. I told him that I fucked up and let my head talk and I lost someone really special to me and that his next girlfriend or wife is a very lucky woman to have such a great guy. And I also thanked him for giving me the second opportunity to be with him, I miss him and love him but I really dont want to hurt him again and that is why I am leaving for good.

GRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

So the past three days now I have had dreams and thoughts about my ex boyfriend I lay in bed with another man and all I can see when I close my eyes is Justin (my ex) I feel horrible for doing this but the harder I try to get this out of my head the stronger I can start feeling Justin behind me holding me, and I can feel his breath on my ear whispering "I love you" Like we used to do when we were together just having one of our lazy days. I havent really told anyone this yet, because I feel so bad!! And I know I shouldnt do that but I can seriously feel him wrap his arm around me, its kinda creepy. Ok it really is creepy. I decided to break up with him but yet lately I have felt these things and I want him to be with me, to tell me its ok and that he still loves me. I dont have any of that anymore. And I know my best friend will read this some time soon, but Im going to say it anyways I feel like I am loosing her. our lives are going in different directions, not to mention her bf and me are at eachothers throats at the moment and that fight probably wont end. He told me last night to start pulling, cuz he said I was going to loose her. I told him I am the best friend and I wont pull because she will make her own decisions. I know what I want her to do but I wont say it because what consitutes my opinion to be right. I love the kid, and she will be around no matter what =D But back on the Justin subject..... I texted him last night to tell me he loved me, which he did not... to tell you the truth I balled my eyes out. And thats how I fell asleep last night. I am lost on what I want these days, though I thought I knew what I wanted... but maybe doing the things I am doing/did is going to help me make the decision I need to make.

I F*UCKING HATE HIM

I hate men that love to call you names and continue to fight with you, to make you look like the bad guy and the fucking stupid ass. And thats the end of that. Good night lovies.

REALITY!!

So lately I gave some thought to my current situation which is single and lov'n it. Back to when I was taken and happy, not thinking anything could change that. I mean I am happy with my decision but its kinda heart wrenching when you were looking forward to the 3 yr mark and all of a sudden its gone. I feel greedy.... like I can just juggle him around, and I know I cant and I know I dont want to but for some reason thats what I feel like Im doing. I have realized that the two and a half yrs wasnt a waste of my life, I did love him and the way he made me feel. He is such an amazing guy but I am/was not the girl for him. Thank god for the reality hit.

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Well, lets start off with this... when you stop and take a step back life seems to get a clear view on it. I stopped worrying about the little things and Oh my holy crap! Things have been better for me :) At least I think. I am happy again and laughing I love being a free woman and not caring about little things anymore!!! I had a talk with my ex boyfriend and he told me he didn't want me back. And I am ok with that. I want to be happy with myself which I am succeeding at :) I have lost only five pounds but I am Happy :D Thank god for seconded and third chances to make things right.. fewwww!!!!

Should I?

I am not sure if I should write how I feel today or not. Because everytime I do I jinx it :( And nothing has come out of it that I liked at all... But the other day I sent an email to my exboyfriend and I appologized for hurting him as bad as I did, and I mainly just wanted to see if he was still on earth. But of course only bad came from this message I sent him... What am I to do lol not talk to anyone? Cuz I think I am better that way I can't get myself into trouble. But tonight I feel good. I am soooo sore but I feel myself changing. Wish me luck to keep it going!!! I already lost three pounds!!!! Whoot go me :p

My Life in Ruins

Lately I have been thinking about the things that could have gone different, what things could have happened, and then realize that my life our lessons we are supposed to learn wouldn't have been learned. I wish I could tell the story of my past week but that would take up way to much time and energy. I loved my life at one point and then I think somewhere I made a really big mistake that I didn't learn from. But I can think and think but yet it doesn't take me to the answer I want. I figure life does go on but when does my heart and head match up together? I want to know the answers before the questions are even out in the open. Why does my thoughts go to the negative side of life? I could be a happy person but I need to have at least one night where Im not upset or thinking about something that brings a tear to my eye. Music is my savior. I have to find my own tune and stick to it. I have to find my path and dance my way through life with the happiness and joy of others and become "me" again. Hands up if you agree!!! lol Going to find the right tune and start my dance.

When do you finally notice???

So when do you finally notice your in pain???? Well I think its when you are sitting at home, laying in your bed in the dark blasting music in your ears so loud that you block out the real world for just a couple hours. Or until exhaustion finally takes over. I think thats how you find it out. Sucky... What am I to do with my life... when everything decides to go tits up??? I mean seriously I have shit for a life, I am still young but you know things could go my way at least once!!! I'm hating life right now. I keep thinking and shit wont stop. Damn it :(

"Didn't see that one coming!"

Well shit.... last night... I think was the calmest night I have ever had in my life. I didn't kill anyone. And I think those people they know who they are.. are very happy I didn't. I'm not going to put up a post about what happened even though most people would be frazzled about it... I would if I was mad, but right now I'm just numb in my own skin. Maybe its because I am so tired that I couln't be mad even if I tried. But lets just say.... People fuck up, and shit happens, but what is done is done there is nothing I can do to change it. My life lesson..... "Life goes on"

Up and Down

Well today I thought went really well :) I was happy, I haven't been happy in such a long time, some people would say differently, but all day long I was my old happy self. And I missed that feeling. But last night was rough, I explained it in my last blog "Confusion" but my best friend forced me to talk to her even though I couldn't talk because I was crying to hard. But she said "I don't care Erika if you can't talk to me, but you can listan" So Kylie and me talked on the phone for probably 45 mins or so. And I was so thankful to have her. She is younger than me, but yet has a firmer grip on life than I do. Which is freaking AWESOME!!! But I just wanted to kinda brag about my day, and tonight I'm going to sleep with good, safe, happy thoughts :)

Confusion

I wonder why a lot, I question my existance now days, I was never like that before, never had thoughts this odd, scary, emotional. I am lost for words when I try to figure things out in my head. Because, everytime I try to think about how to fix it, that one question pops into my head. I am scared, I feel alone, I want to curl into a hole or just start running and never stop. And when I feel alone or sad I don't want anyone to talk to me, text me, email me, I don't want any sort of communication. And then when someone does talk to me, I pretend to be happy.... to make them think I know whats going through my head, and that I'm on the right track. I'm not sure if I am having depression spells or not, but somedays... just somedays.... I don't even care anymore. I decided to start blogging to make my life better, but everytime I get on I have something wrong. Other than earlier today I thought it was going to be alright, but sadly things don't ever go the way we would plan them to go. Is this the path that I'm supposed to be going down? Because, if so I want to make a detour soon, because right now, I hate what Im experiencing. And whoever is reading this I'm sorry if I make you mad... knowing another persons life is way worse off than mine, but I just need someone to know, cuz if not I will explode. And I don't want to do something stupid.

Early Day

This morning started at 5 so bare with me, I might not make much sense. But today has gone alright I started it off with me changing my life for the better. My mother and me went to the gym to get our pictures taken, because we are in a contest, "Gold's Gym Challenge" But today is the first day I am going to forget about the past and just look forward and achieve my new goals. So wish me luck. I hope I can be strong enough and reach my goals. :)

Stupid, stupid girl.

So this girl,Ogy,I know has found a way to ruin her life, well not ruin just screw up a lot. Not very many people are very fond of her right now, and me I'm just trying to figure out who she really is, I don't want to judge her, or make her sad. I want to be her friend and love her for who she is. So Im going to see what I can do, but I might need some help. Today, she was in class when she got a text from Eric, this guy she likes, well everything was going smooth until he accused her of lying. She began to think really hard on what she lied about, and then Eric told her that it was about her ex boyfriend situation. Because I think in about the beginning of December she started telling me she couldn't stand Tom's whining, plus long distance was coming into play. So she told her boyfriend Tom that she wanted a break. Mainly she didn't want Tom to freak out on her. Because it was pretty much an abrupt change. So she started hanging out with Eric, he made her laugh and she loved being around him, she told me she always flirted with him at work. And then she decided to end it with Tom told him that she wanted to clear her head and to see what she wanted with her life, she told me that she wasn't happy anymore and she lost her sense of independence and herself. So Eric and her got closer and closer, then one day all of a sudden Eric stopped flirting, stopped kissing, stopped everything told her she didn't know what he was going through, so she tryed to stop and respect his wishes, and she was just going to be his friend. All though she got upset at the fact she introduced her friend, Kim, to him, and that was before everything became crazy. They began to talk and they became close friends. Ogy had stupid thought that Eric and kim could see, Ogy isn't very good at hiding her emotions. Well anyways, Back to Eric texting her today, apparently she told him that her and Tom never went on a break, so she lied to him and now he won't forgive her. Even though she appologized and thought it was a mix up. But I love this girl, she is a close friend, I have known her my whole life but this time, I don't know how to make her feel better. Any suggestions?

My Introdution On My Problem

To start off my name is Erika Phillips, and I have had one hell of a year. In the beginning of 2009 things made sense, I graduated and had a wonderful man, and the best friends a person could ask for. But then Justin and I (Justin was my bf) started having problems, the main reason I think is because he told me he was going to Arizona for school (11,000 miles away), and I thought I wouldn't beable to live, I wouldn't know how to function. But then in the beginning of December, I decided I didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. After two and a half years (which to some isn't a lot) I called it off. I left a man that loved me no matter what, and that would take my hand in marriage and I left him, cold turkey. I have thought a long time on what I have done and if it makes any sense. And then the further I went into this thinking process I noticed I didn't know who I was anymore, I truly hated myself. And I am trying to fix my "hating" issue. So I have decided to make myself love me, So the other day I joined the Gold's Gym Challenge. And I want to make myself a better person. And I need to shape up before I push my closest friends away for good.